Thief
by Chauni
Summary: Yaoi; 1x2; Heero looks at his life, the war, his purpose and his relationship with Duo, all which leaves an unpleasant taste sitting upon his soul.


Author: Chauni

Email: ChauniMaxwell@mechpilot.com

Website: www.geocities.com/asukalangley2nd/

Warnings: Angst, Language, Yaoi

Pairings: 1x2

Disclaimer: I don't own the GW boy nor did I make any money off this. The words/ lyrics inserted in here belong to my friend Kai, from her poem, "Thief". 

**_Thief_**

            Whoever is out there…please save this tattered soul.

fizzle

dancing in your stars

i like to steal eternity

            That smirk…that damn thing that haunts me when I close my eyes. I can't stand the way it follows me, like some ghost, into my nightmares and my life. Nightmares are my life, actually. That blood, crimson and hot, is my bath, covering my flesh like the sweat that I usually wake up covered in.

            And then I'll turn and look at you, sleeping peacefully in the throes of your own personal demons, and I shiver. I want to leave, but I can't, and I chastise myself for it. How could I let myself fall so far? How could I allow myself to lose sight of the world around me? When did I allow you to become my existence?

            To throw away the life that has been fated for me…is unacceptable. So, I steal a night with you, feel the way your body is passionate, breathing, moving for me and my enjoyment, and I can live for a few precious hours in that bliss alone. 

            And in those heated hours, you are my God and my only salvation.

i've been waiting 

 whisper forever in my ear

i hate you cause

       you know just what i want to hear

            Another day, with the sunlight defeating the dark that I have come to crave. You have gotten under my skin, and no matter how I scratch and dig, you will not leave. You are a parasite, smiling and mocking me beneath all my walls, and I despise you for it.

            You're grinning at me now. I want to rip it from your lips and keep it forever in my chest. I want no one to see what you give to me, and still, I want to never see it again myself. It's blinding and pure, and I am anything but. 

            You're standing next to me, your long plaited hair falling out of its frequent braid, your eyes sparkling in the streaming sunlight. But the streams of gold are tainted with dust and the mood is lost in it. Besides, I can only take you at night, when I can sleep it off and your smile gives me nightmares. 

            So, I push you away, grumbling something under my breath, and walk away. You are left alone in the kitchen, complaining about my lack of romantic arts, but I ignore it, because if I don't, then I'll just go running back. We can't have that, now can we? At least, not if we want to have a successful mission in an hour.

            So I let you fume, let you hate me, and I in turn do the same, because it is the only way I will not become flawed.

            But I think I am already.

ride a wave of blood

it streaks across the wavy lines of a frozen hell

swimming along bathed

in the substance of what lives

            This is all I was bred to know. 

            This is why I was created. 

Soldiers are not born, they are created, you know.

I feel the unyielding metal beneath my hands as I jerk at the controls, silent and somber as always. I see it all, and yet, I am blind to everything. My Beam Saber cuts through a Leo, but I don't see the man screaming for his life. My Buster Rifle destroys a large portion of the base; the metal turns black and twisted as flames lick the heavens, but I don't see the hundreds of soldiers I just killed while they laid in their bunks, asleep.

Everything is happening so fast; the fires, the screams, the battles, but I see it all in molasses syrup. It is a hell I have come to be quite familiar with, and it has taken residence within me. 

I am focused, forever and utterly focused to the point of insanity. Your voice is gone, that cheery sound that always rings in my ears like an insect. Your face disappears, lost in a hazy of maroon battle-fury, and this is all I meant to know. 

I am a slave to those that surround me, manipulated and used as a tool, a weapon. But this does not matter.

For this was why I was created.

i feel alone when you come close

cause you're pressed in my face

suffocating

i'm

choking

            I come home, far beyond when times matters. The shadows lie across the floor and you, covering your lithe body with obsidian tendrils. You look evil as you sleep, but maybe it's the darkness at work. I want to claim you, take you, make you mine. I need it, perhaps more than I need anything else in my cheap life.

            I stagger to the bed, and you wake suddenly. Your skills as a pilot, as a weapon, are almost as honed as mine, and your ability to get up almost amazes me. Amethyst eyes turn to my own Prussian ones, and I hold out my hands to you.

            Without a word, you take them into your own and rub your cheek against them, your lips falling softly onto my palms. I kneel onto the bed, my chest burning with intoxicating need.

            "They are bloody," I say.

            "Then let me wash you clean." Such a simple sentiment, but with more weight than anyone can imagine.

You lay me down and slowly attack me with your lips, kisses that I never want to end. Your hands work wonders that never cease to amaze this pilot, but I am riding on a cloudy haze far above it all. Caught between my own inner torments and my physical desire, I am lost in a smoky fog, away from you, away from my life. I come home for this, this release, this salvation. 

Cleanse me, these branded hands, my broken wings, my scarlet cheeks. Feel my heart beneath my flesh and remind me that I am truly human once again.

and you can only watch cause

you love too hard

you dig in too deep

your intellectual claws are killing me

            I can see your eyes above me, picking through my walls like vultures. I won't allow you through. Your access is denied.

            Your fingers run up my cheeks, light and soft, and over my numb lips. I bite at them, but you smile, playfully, thinking I wish for a game. Anything to deter you from my inner sanctum, my sacred hell.

            You work your magic, leaving me to wonder again how you came across such knowledge of the male anatomy. Our bodies, hot, covered in thin layers of sweat and seeds, cling to one another as screams fly from our parted, false lips. 

            He proclaims love.

            I say nothing.

            Rolling over and drifting away, I hear you sigh, and it follows me down, along with your smile and your fated words. 

Nightmare again. 

You are it.

i want to glitter away

i don't want to be yours i just want

to shine with you

            Another day, another time in agony. I come home to you, bloodied, bruised, and you take me into your bed. How many times will you allow me to defile you? How many times will we stain these sheets to match my hands?

            Those words flutter from your lips again, but you know better than to expect a response. What am I to say? I came here to forget my troubles. You are my release. 

I can, and most likely will, die at any time. I refuse to leave anyone mourning my mangled corpse, damnit. Please, see this. You're getting too close to me, driving further through my barriers, through my defenses. I find myself reaching for you in the night and I want to cut off my hands to stop it. The last thing I need is someone to love me, when I am not deserving of any such sentiment. 

You are my baptism, washing away what sins I have commited for the day. I wash myself in your life, in your sex, and forget the world, forget myself. For a few hours, I was created for a different reason, one opposite than the truth. 

For a few hours, I am a lie and it is beautiful.

a white reflection in my eyes

i don't care if the truth hurts

it's always better than dying

            The daylight again, burning my flesh. I hate it and want more than anything to put it out. It signifies the death of myself all over again. I enjoy the me that enters the bedroom, but I despise he who leaves.

            And you're smiling so sweetly that I hate myself for what I am doing. Grunting, I take the breakfast offered and eat it silently, hearing you talk but not listening. I stare at my toast and destroy my soul over and over again.

            Stamp out that which is futile, or so I have been taught.

            And then that question that I have been waiting for, that simple justification for the life I lead with you.

            "Why?"

            I stare at you, eyes hard and shielded. Why? Heh. You won't like the answers.

            "What?" I ask.

            "Last night." Your eyes find the floor, almost shamefully. "All the nights. Why?"

            "I need to be clean." Perhaps I could say it nicer, but what is the point of sugarcoating it? He is my equal and I, personally, would not wish to be spoken softly to, at least not about this. 

            "So, you use me?" Your voice is strange, filled with both grief and acceptance, loathing and tenderness. I can't discern what you are feeling and it makes me nervous.

            "I make myself whole again. I remind myself of my humanity."

            "At the expense of my feelings!" The rage is skewering me, your scream echoing throughout the small apartment. You rise to your feet in a flourish of black and chestnut, turning away from me. "You kill me, Heero! And I am such a fool that I will not stop it!" 

            I blink, confused. "Nani?"

            Your eyes, heavy, tormented orbs of a walking dead child, turn towards me, and I feel the full expanse of their hellish weight. "I accept it, all for you. I am for you. I can't walk away, Heero, not when I love you this much."

meanwhile i'll go on stealing always

pretty thief shining away 'cos

that's what stars do best

            You shed me this drunken smile that I hate more than myself, and it's haunted just like you. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Duo, but I need something to make me whole. I wish you could understand this. But perhaps you already do, and that is why you allow me to use you.

            You walk to me, kissing my cheek. I flinch from your lips, from your presence, but you don't mind. I think you want to wear down my walls, but today, I reinforce them. 

            I flirt with danger when I'm with you, and I wonder how much longer I can keep myself alive. I am beginning to see parts of myself that should be covered, should be concealed, but I don't stop it. Every night I come home to you, I make you mine again, and I am humanity at its core. 

            My hands squeeze your heart now, and I can feel the blood pour through my fingers, tacky and thick. I steal you, for a few hours, I rob you of yourself and we lose ourselves in lust and love. And every night, I squeeze your heart tighter and every night, a little more blood pumps forth. I want to lick it clean and taste your reason for existence on my tongue.

            Only through this, may I truly live.

            And I hate myself for it.

**The End**


End file.
